life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
