I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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