Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
