I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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