Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
