my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
