girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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