I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
