that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
