Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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