All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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