I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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