You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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