why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
