you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Two words: blizzard sex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
