I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
