Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So apparently I’m into choking now
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