My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
