If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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