Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Mom said you looked used
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
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Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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