I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
