Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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