He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
