Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
