All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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