Umm I'm too high to move.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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