The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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