I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
