my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
