He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
