when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.