I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
