guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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