I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
