The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize