you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
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Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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