I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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