She's JV to your varsity
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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