Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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