no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
