Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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