You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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