Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
