I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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