I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
