I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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