Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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