Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
