Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
