so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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