At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
