Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
