whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
