I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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