The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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