There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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