I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
