Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
