i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
